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Tired of defending my self

I posted this blog on a social network about a year ago but I can not find it now so I will re-write it here since it pertains to my situation and how it has effected my life.


I have been told time and again "get over it","you could if you tried","stop faking","take the bus" on the subject of me leaving my house or having to drink to leave the house


well I would do all the things people wanted me to if I could,Trust me when I say this is a very hard thing for me to deal with I mean hell if I was faking WHY would I keep the lie going for 16 years??
Here is a list of things I have missed out on or have to deal with just because of my illness


I didn't get to finish School
I lost 95% of my friends because they could or would not understand why I could not go run around with them
I lost my Modeling Career
I was never able to get a "Real" Job
I was not there for the birth of my 2 youngest nephews
I had to get married in my front yard instead of a church
I have to drink just to go to the Hospital when there is an emergence (like my heart problems)
I was not able to go to Texas to be there for my Daddy when my little sister was killed
I have to drink just to go Grocery shopping
I have to Drink even when I am sick so I can cash my moms checks
I have a hard time making new friends because a lot of them don't understand.
I have to drink just to go out drinking lol


I mean come one why would I drink when I was sick if I didn't have to?
or why would I stay locked up in my house for 16 years if I had a choice?
oh and on the "take a bus" thing this has come up a lot when i don't have cab fair to go out dancing,cashing my mom's checks or pretty much having to go anywhere and my problem with taking a bus is if I have a panic attack a bus will not turn around and take me home and yes even when I drink there are times I still get the panic attacks they are rare but if I am in a situation like being on a bus I will think about it and will more likely have one (its the whole mind over matter thing)


well I am kinda tired so i am going to end this post but I may add more tomorrow


God Bless
Gayle

2 comments:

Jennifer said...

I have panic attacks too. I know how hard that can be.

myblogger79 said...

yeah it is pretty frustrating (thanks for commenting)

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