Tired of defending my self

I posted this blog on a social network about a year ago but I can not find it now so I will re-write it here since it pertains to my situation and how it has effected my life.

I have been told time and again "get over it","you could if you tried","stop faking","take the bus" on the subject of me leaving my house or having to drink to leave the house

well I would do all the things people wanted me to if I could,Trust me when I say this is a very hard thing for me to deal with I mean hell if I was faking WHY would I keep the lie going for 16 years??
Here is a list of things I have missed out on or have to deal with just because of my illness

I didn't get to finish School
I lost 95% of my friends because they could or would not understand why I could not go run around with them
I lost my Modeling Career
I was never able to get a "Real" Job
I was not there for the birth of my 2 youngest nephews
I had to get married in my front yard instead of a church
I have to drink just to go to the Hospital when there is an emergence (like my heart problems)
I was not able to go to Texas to be there for my Daddy when my little sister was killed
I have to drink just to go Grocery shopping
I have to Drink even when I am sick so I can cash my moms checks
I have a hard time making new friends because a lot of them don't understand.
I have to drink just to go out drinking lol

I mean come one why would I drink when I was sick if I didn't have to?
or why would I stay locked up in my house for 16 years if I had a choice?
oh and on the "take a bus" thing this has come up a lot when i don't have cab fair to go out dancing,cashing my mom's checks or pretty much having to go anywhere and my problem with taking a bus is if I have a panic attack a bus will not turn around and take me home and yes even when I drink there are times I still get the panic attacks they are rare but if I am in a situation like being on a bus I will think about it and will more likely have one (its the whole mind over matter thing)

well I am kinda tired so i am going to end this post but I may add more tomorrow

God Bless

Agoraphobia and drinking

Hello readers in this post I am going to tell you about how I realized that I can leave my house as long as I drink a couple beers first (I know it sounds weird but it is true)

(This post may not be that good because it is hard for me to think right now so I may re-do it later)

Back on October 8th 2000 my world fell apart first my mom had a stroke then the day after she got out of the hospital (November 8th)my husband left me to go do and sell drugs with his mom,so needless to say I was in a real low point in my life so I started drinking,and when I say I started drinking I mean I was drunk from the minute I woke up till the minute I went to sleep,I would leave a half of a tall boy (24oz can of beer)on my night stand and when I woke up I would down it then through out the day I would drink whatever I got my hands on including moonshine.
while all of that was going on I was going every where I wanted to, I thought I was cured of my agoraphobia this went on for more then 4 months.

Then in March 2001 my husband got clean of the drugs and came home,now I did not stop drinking all together at this point but I did slow down so I still didn't realize that it was the booze that let me leave the house.
a few week's later my sister had a migraine and needed to go to the hospital and I went with her it was at the hospital that I had my first panic attack in months (I was sober) I could not understand why I was having the panic attacks again so I just figured it was just a one time thing and went on with my life.

about 7 months went by and I had had some mini panic attacks but nothing too big (always when I was sober) then my sister and her husband wanted us to come over to Spokane (we lived in CDA at the time)and go out with them for Halloween and stay the weekend so we did, the ride to Spokane was a little rough I had a small panic attack but Halloween night was fun we went to the bar and I even won a hula hoop contest lol but the next day was BAD since we planned to stay in and just watch movies I decided not to drink then when we went to Hastings to rent the movies I had a bad panic attack I had to have my sisters husband take me back to their house and was crying the whole way there then ended up in the bathroom for about an hour,and was miserable for the rest of the night. I am surprised after that, that I even wanted to try to go back home but I did (Thank God) and after I got home I sat down and tried to figure out why my panic attacks kept randomly coming back but I could not figure it out until one night I went down to the bar but right as I got there I had to turn right around and go home. so I figured since I was not going to be able to go out I would drink at home then after I got a buzz going I felt fine and decided to try again to go out and I was fine for the rest of the night. the next day I finally thought I had it figured out so I sat down with my hubby and asked him if he noticed that when ever I drank I didn't have the panic attacks but when I was sober I did.After he thought about it for awhile he finally agreed that seemed to be the case.
I tested my theory for awhile and sure enough it seemed to be true.

So that is how I found a way to be able to go place's,and I am happy that I did I just wish it was a pill or something lol

Now I know a lot of people are going to think that because I found this way to go places I must be drinking all the time but that is not the case,sure for awhile I did do that lol, but now I only drink a couple times a month sometimes only once and that is to cash checks. but I am happy to know that I can leave if I want to (and have beer lol) but it does suck in the sense that sometimes I am sick or just don't feel like drinking but I have to if I need to go somewhere.

I am not saying that this is going to be a solution for everyone with IBS/agoraphobia or even that you should try it,but it has helped me and I wanted to share it with you all

God Bless

Agoraphobia--The beginning

Good evening readers,
in this post I am going to explain the beginning of my trek through hell called IBS and Agoraphobia.

I have had stomach problems all my life, but about 5 months after I turned 16 things got really bad. The first thing my family and friends noticed was I got very skinny, so I weighed my self and found out that I had lost 30lbs in just a month or 2 I had gone from 114lbs down to 84lbs and no one could figure out why,I mean a lot of people thought I was either doing drugs or had an eating disorder but neither of these things were true. 

Then one night my Ex-FiancĂ©e,my mom,my best friend and I were at Albertsons doing some shopping and all of a sudden I had to go to the bathroom BAD so I headed for the restroom but someone was in there and then my first real panic attack happened. I was cramping,sweating, nauseous,my heart was racing and I thought if I did not get home I was going to have a accident or even die,so my Ex got me in the car and all the way home I was crying and panicking and yelling at him to hurry but as soon as we got about a block away from my house I started feeling fine and didn't even need to go to the bathroom any more. Pretty much ever since that night every time I try to leave the house I am hit with a panic attack. But leaving the house is not the only time I get the panic attacks I also get them when I am nervous,stressed or eat trigger foods (I'll explain that later)

I went to many doctors,had all kinds of test's and even had exploratory surgery and no one could tell me what was wrong with me. So I just had to deal with it and so I tried home remedies for stomach pain,weight gainers to try to gain weight and though I did not go far away from the house I would take bike rides to see if I could break through the panic attacks my self (as well as to not go crazy being trapped in my house) but nothing seemed to help,so for years I suffered not only with the pain and panic but also with what the weight loss was doing to me I looked like a skeleton,I had to sleep with pillows between my knees to prevent bruises,my hair was falling out and looked like crap and my immune system was shot so when I got sick it held on to me longer then anyone else (I still have that problem) and it took me over 2 years just to gain 10lbs

When I was 19 things got a little better,I was not in pain EVERYDAY but I was still pretty much homebound though I still took my bike rides. my sister was staying a few blocks away so I would go visit her from time to time and that is where I met Joe (my hubby) thankfully he seemed to except me and all the crazy things that were going on with me and so the next year we got married (and have been together for 13 years now) we had to get married in my front yard since I could not go anywhere but it was a great wedding :)

its wasn't for almost 9 years that a doctor finally found out what was wrong with me and it turned out that it was IBS and he gave me a bunch of reading material about IBS and I took that home and read up on it and searched the internet for more info and found out the reason for all the pain and weight loss was because I was eating all my trigger foods of course I had no idea what a trigger food even was before. Basically a trigger food (which is different for everyone) is something you eat that triggers an IBS attack which for me consists of very painful cramps they way (I have always described it was like broken glass going through my intestines) also I get really nauseous because of the pain and of course the pain also triggers the panic attacks...(oh and by the way the agoraphobia was a result of the IBS) 

well that is all I can write right now (I hope it made some sense I have never been good at writing lol)I am exhausted I did not get much sleep because of an IBS attack last night and today :(

but before I close I wanted to say happily I am now 130lbs thanks to knowing what most of my trigger foods are :)
also if you suffer from IBS ask your doctor about Levsin it is a miracle drug and as soon as I can get the money together to see my doctor I am getting back on it lol....I will write more about Levsin in another post but for now I must say goodnight 

God Bless 

oh and here is a picture of me when i was 84lbs (sad isn't it)

Why I am blogging

Hello readers and welcome to my blog :)
I decided to start a personal blog to share parts of my life for these reasons,
To help people
To get advise
To Give advise
To make you laugh
To share the good things that happen and just to have a place to vent about the bad things
and maybe to make a few life long friends

you see I already have a blog but it is all about way's to make money online (you can find it on my side bar under "my other sites" it is called Friends Helping Friends)

but as I started getting better at writing (not much better but better lol) I wanted to share my life experiences with the world,I don't lead a great and exciting life but there are thing's that I would like to share like my battle with IBS and agoraphobia,married life,Family life,Etc.. and maybe some of the things I have to say will be helpful to some people who are going through the same things or maybe they can share things that they have gone through that might help me.

Well anyway I think this is all I have to say about the reasons I decided to start a personal blog,so I guess I will close this blog by saying I hope you enjoy and look forward to my blogs and if you have a blog that you would like me to follow let me know and I will take a look,I am hoping to make some good friends through this :)

God Bless you all and have a great Night/Day